Friday, March 30, 2007

Waiting for court!

I finally got my referral. Yeah! He is 4 months old. The emotions when I opened up my email and saw the message from my coordinator were very odd. I always imagined when I opened up the email I would feel super happy - start crying and see a little face looking back at me that felt like my son. I did...I really believed that. Boy was it completely different. I got the medical first that had all of the scary, foreign diagnoses. Being a doctor - I thought it wouldn't scare me or bother me all that much. I have read about all of the buzz words that Russan Docs put on referral medicals....yet I think I probably started hyperventilating when I saw them on MY referral. There was no picture.
Then the picture came that was all upside down twisty-turny on a changing table picture. It was not the electric - this is my son - instantaneous connection that I always envisioned. I don't even know why I expected it. It took me weeks if not months of going through the mommy motions with my daughter to be totally and completely in love with her.....and i love her more and more each day. Why should I expect to fall in love with a picture?
However, now that I have been staring at it 2-3 times every 30 minutes for the last 26 hours....I am really seeing the supercuteness of Zebastian's little cheeks! I didn't know what to think - and literally felt sick to my stomach for the first hour. Then while I was looking at his picture something in my churning stomach just fell into place and BOOM - the realization that this is my son and no matter what issues he might have I wanted him to be my son.

Now it is time to wait some more! I am waiting to hear back from the international adoption doctor I am using.....Dr. Chambers from the UAB IA clinic in Birmingham. I should hear from her today or tomorrow. My coordinator said that the adoption commision may not meet during the month of April because the minister of Education is changing. I am not stressing out about it though. I waited 2 months for my referral - I can wait 2 months for travel! One month would be better, but that goes without saying!!!!
I am very lucky that one of my friends already has travel dates for the end of April - so I will get updated pictures in 3 weeks. Maybe I can send some stuff to him also...I don't know what they will let me send....but I will try to come up with something!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

oops

The last 2 days I have been feeling very optimistic and have bought a couple of cute little outfits and hats. I bought a red velour mouse hat....just like the blue one I have a picture of on one of my previous posts....it came in the mail today. It is so exciting to get something I have ordered for Zeb....but it is kind of depressing to fold it up and put it on my tiny little Zeb shelf. I am very excited for everyone I know who is getting referrals and getting travel dates....I am a little bit jealous too. I have this totally irrational worry that I will somehow get forgotten or that the in country coordinator will get worn out by all of the other people travelling and decide to take a vacation or decide to open up a felt store and stop facilitating adoptions....I don't know ....completely irrational things like that! I am starting to feel like I am certifiably bipolar....one minute I am so excited and happy and my mind is going 100mph with happy thoughts....then I have a sinking feeling like I just realized I forgot to pay a bill that was due 2 weeks ago. I have not quite resorted to unexplainable tears....but could that be far behind?! I have been waiting 2 weeks for the medicals and I know my last conversation with my coordinator here contained promises of news by the end of the week...but I am getting worn out. Part of it may be that Trauma has left me a little emotionally weak or frayed around the edges for sure! I am on call tomorrow....and I feel like if I can just make it through the next 48 hours I will be golden!

Just want to reiterate that I really am super excited for all of the people I know that have brand spanking new travel dates! Especially dates that allow birthday celebrations with Yurt shaped cakes! Try not to wear out our coordinator while in country! I am still holding out hope that I may be able to travel at the same time as some of the other great people I have met during this crazy process. I guess the more of my friends that get travel dates before I have even gotten my official referral - the less likely it becomes that I will be able to travel at the same time as them. I really was hoping to travel at the same time as some others!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Zebastian

My coordinator called yesterday....she still does not have the medical info and thus can not send me his picture (although she does have his picture and assures me his is gorgeous!). She wanted to know the name I plan on giving him so that the in country coordinator could fill out some paperwork. I don't know what his given name is yet....but it will be his middle name and his first name is (going to be) Zebastian. My daughter really fought for Rockytoe....but I won in the end. It is a good thing that there is a disney character with that name or it would have been quite a fight! The medical info is supposed to be here by the end of the week....so I started buying some things today in my down time today. Hopefully I will have some more definite info my the end of the week. It is such a weird thought to know that soon there will be a cute little baby in my hot pink hotsling! One of the things I had to buy today is a more masculine hotsling - I bought a black and white patterned one for me and a matching one for my daughter to carry with a doll in it. We also bought Happy Feet tonight and are doing some serious tap dancing!

I am so glad I am almost done with trauma - it is really interesting....but a lot of work and emotionally and physically exhausting!

Monday, March 26, 2007

felt bird


This is my daughter (in her very messy room) singing to her new felt bird! She carried the bird around on her arm for like 20 minutes hanging it on different places trying to find the perfect place to keep it. It finally ended up the door knob to her little stage 2 playhouse! She spends a lot of energy making up songs and she is singing one here about a birdy being happy and being her best friend and best friends with the sun.
If anyone fromthe Kyrgyzstan minister of education is looking at this picture - I promise my house is usually much cleaner!
This little bird was sent by a little birdy who has recently returned from KG after meeting her new daughter for the first time! This is a great gift and we love it! I am hoping to be able to gather up some felt nick nacks of my own soon!
Work was brutal last night and I am looking forward with being done being a surgeon. I ran into a premed in the cafeteria last night after having a particularaly brutal day. He said to me "you are a surgery resident?". I said "I am a surgery intern right now"....he said "sweeeeeeeet" like some kind of bill and ted's excellent adventure parody. Oh how Grey's Anatomy has twisted the minds of poor impressionable children! Sweeeeeeet is being able to work a 40 hour work week and spend every weekend and dinner time with your beautiful children....I can't wait for July!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

And.......I'm still waiting!

Well...Wednesday came and went without any word of translated medicals. My coordinator says it could take weeks to get them translated. I don't know what to believe - but I am sure that is a pretty normal for international adoption. I just wonder if anything has happened to the little boy she told me about. I guess I can't really believe or count on anything until the entire process is over.....so I need to stop shopping! I bought the cutest little hat though!

I feel like I am getting close to my new little boy. Yesterday there were a lot of little baby boys at the hospital - it got me thinking about him. I am so excited ...it is hard to be patient and just wait for the medicals especially since I know that my coordinator already has a picture of him....she is just waiting to share until she gets the medicals translated. I have faith that I will get there eventually....unless all of the harrassing of my poor coordinator drives her to firing me!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Still waiting

I am still waiting for my official referral - but now that I know age and gender....I can do some serious shopping...ok I am not really doing that much shopping but I could if I wanted to. Mostly I am pretending to shop and adding an enormous and really a ridiculous amount of things to wish lists all over the internet!
The soonest my coordinator might get the translated medicals is Wednesday - so I have at least 2 more days! My prediction for my referral was this Friday - because it will be the day I am most exhausted...it may come to pass.
My coordinator did send me a list of all of the paperwork I will need to bring with me when I travel to pick up my little guy. I have stopped working on my "russian for adopting parents" and moved to the straight up living language Russian. Now that I know how totally young my son will be - it seems better to focus on learning enough Russian to try to get around. There are lots of form to fill out before my trip. I am hoping that things move quickly so that I can travel about the same time as some other families that I know. Of course everyone wants their adoptions to go quickly though - that kind of goes without saying!
My daughter and I have been working on names for her little brother and I think we have a pretty good one! I am going to wait to see what his given name is and if it was given to him by his birth mother.
With a referral so young - he wasn't even born when I started the process. It makes me feel a little sad. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter and the crazy hopes and thoughts I had about her and what she would be like and thinking about her growing up. I am sure his birth mom had those same feelings even as she was probably struggling with big decisions.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Extra specially hard waiting

So I recieved a call from my coordinator and told that there are medicals on the way for a 3 month old boy. The call came on a wednesday - no it was not on a Saturday, but it was on my Mom's birthday! I don't know anything yet except age and I just can't let myself get too excited until I have the medical and the little picture in my hot little hands....but WOW 3 months is sooooo young. I am on call - so I am super busy and I am all worked up over waiting for his medical information. So I am a giant ball of stress just waiting for an excuse to explode or implode - it is an ugly sight. I got the call a few days ago - but I haven't really said anything until now. I was going to wait until I got the official referral. But I am seriously close to a boiling point. I thought maybe if I took a couple of minutes to ruminate - I would feel a little more relaxed the rest of the day. I spent the first afternoon after I got that call - adding baby clothes onto my online baby registry! The second day I spent picking out travelling clothes and blankets. Thank goodness for online shopping! How many times have I said THAT to myself. Anything can change on a minutes notice in international adoption - but I am very hopeful. Maybe if I buy something I will feel better....mmmmm....I think it is worth a try! I am going to go for the cute sleepsack with matching beanie! Even though I am bursting with some kind of nervous energy - I feel remarkably calm about it. I think I will competely freak out when I have a picture.
I hope I don't have to wait too long for his picture and medical. When I get that info - is the day I will officially count as my referral day!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Switching Plans

I have been super sleep deprived for the last 2 weeks. I was on call last night and did not get much sleep. Today when I finally got home (32 hours later) I was too tired to sleep. I just sat in the bathtub trying to unwind and just let my mind digest what my family will be like with a son. I had gone into this adoption with the idea of two little girls and since I decided to open up my referral to a little boy I haven't had time to do any daydreaming. Although, as you know, I have had time to look for cute little boy hats! So today was dedicated to thinking about having a son....names, clothes, plans. It was so exciting. I am so excited about a son and I am so glad that I have switched my plans. Of course, my referral could still be a girl and I would be happy (plus I already have the hats). I really feel newly invigorated about the whole process....I was beginning to get bogged down with the waiting process...it was starting to be almost oppressive. Now it is more like waiting for Christmas or a trip to Disneyland.
My daughter is also very excited about the idea of a little brother - she wants to name him RockyToe. Ummmm why I don't know but I am thinking I will have to override that one!

Monday, March 12, 2007

It is official


Today I officially changed my referral request from a girl to a girl or boy under the age of 3. Of course, I would love a son as much as a daughter - I think I got wrapped up in the fun dressing up aspect of having another daughter. I think I was also a little worried that as a single mom - maybe I wouldn't be able to raise a son. Let's face it - I don't know much about potty training a boy! Although I have seen the little flushable boats you can put in the toilet. Part of the reason I decided to make the switch may be because I am not very good at waiting! I know that I want sons - I was just going to wait on the boys because I have so many girl clothes already.
I was a little worried that my daughter would have a hard time getting used to the idea of a brother - she has had a pretty concrete conception of a little sister. When I talked about it with her last night though - she was really excited and said that she wanted a little brother.
By changing my request to either a boy or a girl - I am pretty much asking for a boy because there are lots more boys than girls in Kyrgyzstan. I was a little anxious today about making this decision - but I feel really good about it now. I am really excited about having a little pumpkin in a cute blue mouse hat!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

So long Weekend!



My daughter is more interested in making people laugh than trying to look pretty...I would like to think she gets that from me! Today is my last day off until March 24th! I was half hoping to hear something this weekend - but I am not feeling like it is time yet. I am fully hoping to hear something not next week - but the week after that (between the 17th and the 24th). That is when I will be at my most exhausted and will have the least amount of time to get anything done.

Until then my days will be filled with gun shot wounds, car crashes and idiots who let their kids ride on ATV's asking me when their child will be back to normal. It gets tough not to be just a tad judgemental when you see the same injuries day in and day out. I heard a piece on NPR in July or August about interns and residents and it was right on the money. You spend you intern year just trying to keep your head above water - there is sooooo much work it becomes very, very difficult to prioritize bed side manner. I think I am managing to keep my humanity in my interpersonal interactions with patients - but it takes a lot more effort than I thought it would. This is especially true on trauma.

Here's hoping for a good week with lots of good news! My mom's birthday is on the 15th - maybe that will be my lucky day!

Friday, March 9, 2007

SOOOO Neglected!

I have not really had anything to obsess on for the last week. I am working on Trauma Surgery and it is VERY time intensive! It is hard work - not only the sheer volume of the patients that are on the service and the volume of patients that come through the hospital as trauma - but the emotional wear and tear on seeing the car accident, motorcycle accident, ATV accident peeps. It can be very intellectually interesting - but emotionally draining. I am so tired when I come home that my daughter doesn't get the quality time she deserves - or the quantity either. There are only 20 more days left - I know we can make it. I suppose the emotional draining part has left me without the energy to obsess about my referral.
However, tomorrow is Saturday and I am somewhat hopefull that this upcoming week will bring me a referral. I have my eye on a couple of cute hats! Hopefully I will have time today to look up the significance of March 10 in history!

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Cute Hats...oh my






When I get my referral I am going to this page and buying like 5 cute beanies and then try to stop myself from buying a pair of little shoes! Well another Saturday has come and gone. I wasn't feeling very positive about hearing anything this Saturday. I am actually going to focus on St Patricks Day.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Is this THE saturday...I think not


Today, one of my attendings pointed out something very interesting....this sunday is the only day of the year that is a command....March Fourth (forth!).

But I like to focus on Saturday's so the third. I think that the person who did the wikipedia entry for tomorrow has something to do with aviation....every other event is an transportation event of some sort....mostly plane crashes. So I would not get on a plane tomorrow if I could help it - there seems to be bad airplane Karma for March 3rd! Celebrate Tone Loc's 40th birthday with a cake and some funky cold medina. In Malawi it is Martyr's day - which does not seem a very festive holiday to receive a referral. After perusing the tomorrow's past....I am not feeling a referral kind of vibe. It is Alexander Graham Bell's birthday so a telephone call with a referral may be appropriate.

Karyn Purvis Insights and Gifts - sharing power