Friday, February 13, 2009

H..only like the best letter...the extended remix

I can't believe how lucky I was to get the letter H...it is truly the best letter. There are so many great things that begin with H and so many that are relevant to my current adoption journey.

1. Home - that is so much more than just house. My ex husband, Lilianna's dad, said to me that he thought Lilianna should come live with him because he knows what it is like to be from a broken home. That is true...all he knows is how to live in a broken home. This difference was really at the root of the end of that marriage. All I have ever known is how to live in a healthy, supportive home. I was so lucky growing up to have a wonderfull family that showed me how to provide a real home to my children. Ithink there is a language of family and home...like English. I grew up listening to well - educated people use the English language appropriately...as a result...I have a feel for what the right word choice is or how to correctly conjugate a verb even though I may not intellectually know the rule that I am following. It is just a feeling that it is right. I do take some liberties with punctuation...so sue me! Children that grow up in an environment where they are not exposed to a supportive, loving, functional family don't inherently know the rules to creating that for their own children. I don't think it is impossible for them...it is just harder and they have to learn how to do it and work harder at it that someone who grew up and learned it by osmosis. I guess there are lots of different areas that is true....religion, morality, human kindness, eating vegetables (haha).


2. Hugs - I have an abundance of hugs at my house. Lilianna has a way of completely melting onto you when she gives you a hug. She just gloms on and the way she is able to balance on you she becomes as light as a feather. it is really amazing - it is like she weighs nothing. Zeb is a little hesitant at first...you say "Zeb, can I have a hug?" and of course he says NO because he is 2....then trepidatiously leans in with just his head...when he gets about 4 inches from your shoulder he throws his whole body at you and it becomes more like tackle...and he wiggles and wiggles as if he is trying to get as super close as he can. The closest Benjamin comes to a hug is when he falls asleep on my chest...which I love. I imagine that Benjamin is completely comfortable, relaxed, and feels safe and warm listening to my heart beat. Which is the same way I feel when Keith hugs me. I have a wonderfull sense of rightness with Keith's hugs - I could go on all day about how so totally right it is that Keith is my husband...but that is a totally different H word!

3. Happiness - I was probably a little more angst ridden in my teen years than most. A little anger and a little insecurity mixed with the meanness of teen girls leads to a very, very long road to happiness. I am not sure I can even define to myself when I first became happy. I am 100% sure it was after I realized that I was not the person I was trying to be in my 20's. It is funny, when I was in college I decided I wanted to be this rock and roll person ...but I never really felt comfortable around all of the crazy rock and rollers I met and hung out with. I always felt a little bit like I had multiple personalities...my studious good samaritan self and my angry guitar playing, irresponsible punk rock self. These two personalities dualed more than once. At different points in my life I favored one over the other and found some happiness with each one...but there would always be moments of conflict. Finally I reached the point where punk rock therapy was no longer helpfull and only allowed me to dwell on my negative experiences in life. I really started on my way to happiness when I started medical school...doctor heal thyself! I have to say, I can't believe how happy I am today. Happiness is one of the best H words in the world.

4. Husband - when I was in high school, I always imagined myself as a single mom. I had a very specific idea of who I would be when I grew up...I suppose most teen agers do. I was going to be a single mom, businesswoman with a daughter named Samantha and a nanny. I had even imagined I would live in an apartment where the door was actually the elevator opening up into your foyer...I was 15 yo and I had a plan..haha. When I divorced Lilianna's dad...once again...I was going to be a single mom...I even bought a house and adopted Zeb. This whole husband thing was not for me - i was sure. Sometime between October and June - my whole life changed for the better. I was very disillusioned and didn't even believe in real love....you know I thought it must be a construct of the media.... Sleepless in Seattle, Hart to Hart (my favorite tv married couple ever)...I thought it must all be made up. It is real though and I never would have found it on my own...insert plug for E-Harmony here. I thought Iwas happy before I met Keith...in fact, I was the happiest I had ever been...in retrospect, my life was so hard. It is kind of scary for me to be so in love with my husband because there is finally the acknowledgement that I really can not do it all on my own. My husband has made my home the happiest it has ever been.

5. Honesty - I don't really have a lot to say about honesty because it is a great big beautiful word...but the truth is that the truth is different no matter who you ask - right? But I love the idea that there is honesty out there. I always try to be honest with myself and honest with everyone I interact with...I may be a little blunt but the more words you use the easier it is for the truth to get lost or misunderstood.

6. Higher power - I believe there is a higher power and I believe that there is something looking out for me and for you - I think it would be very pridefull to say that I know what or who that something is. I don't believe in hard core predetermination, but I do believe that if things are meant to happen they will happen. But you have the choice to put yourself out there for things to happen to you.

7. Hope - it springs eternal.

8. Health - this is something that is so easily taken for granted. After spending the last 2 months at Children's...I am not taking it for granted. I feel really lucky that my children are healthy and that the rest of my family is healthy.

9. Haiku - by far my favority form of poetry. I still remember my favoritest Haiku ever... which i will recite for you:
Disco Chicken Dance
Chicken bust a tricky move
Groove with ME chicken

10. Hershey's chocolate - I am not a fancy person, I like chocolate for the masses. I do like some fancier chocolate every once and a while...but my favorite is Hershey's dark.


It took me a super long time to finish this and I know I wrote way too much....so a quick recap for those with attention spans equal to mine and couldn't actually read through all of this writing!

1.Homes
2.Hugs
3.Happiness
4.Husband
5.Honesty
6.HigherPower
7.Hope
8.Health
9.Haiku
10Hershey's chocolate

I have posted late...but if you want in and don't have a letter yet leave a comment.

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Karyn Purvis Insights and Gifts - sharing power