Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wait

I sometimes feel that God doesn't want us to adopt any more children. In fact, I am frequently feeling that way. We have been trying to bring home another child for over a year...we haven't been too picky. We just want to open our home and our family to another child. There are lots of us out there. People who feel called to have more children and want to adopt to get us there. What is wrong with the rest of the world? What is wrong with UNICEF..what is wrong with the US government..what is wrong with the state of Alabama...what is wrong with all of these organizations that feel like they need to protect the poor, vulnerable orphans from a loving family.

Background checks, waiting periods, sputum tests, beauracracy for what reason? I am full of anger and despair. Children die of disease processes that could have been prevented if individual's and country governments put the welfare of the child truly ahead of beauracratic poppycock. But they don't ...they put procedural beauracracy in the number one spot and forget about the one. there are 147 million...ones.

I have frequently thanked God for opening my heart to orphans and for allowing me to advocate for children and to adopt. I am nearing my breaking point, however. How many of my children are never going to come home? How many times does my heart have to break before I finally give up? Maybe that is what is going on here...I am supposed to give up...I am not supposed to adopt any more children and no matter where I go or how hard I try it won't work.

I think the regular old...kids never coming home thing wasn't dramatic enough to break my spirit...I had to get excited about the next step...we needed the adrenaline rush of maybe travelling next week...we needed the adrenalin rush of hurry get your Kyrgyzstan dossier translated and certified you might be on "the list". It wasn't just enough to crush my spirit with an infinite (never ending) wait...I had to be built up first with increasing hope before it was quashed.

You may notice that I am not my usual optimistic self. I am so sick of being disappointed. I try to take it gracefully...you know...international adoption is uncertain....yadda yadda yadda...but seriously, how much can one family take?

Of course, I am frustrated at the generic universe and I wish that I could just give up and throw in the towel now. I can't, I am not built that way and I will just suffer and be miserable and frustrated.

Today we learned that there is a new rule that says you have to wait 3 months between getting your dossier approved by social welfare and getting a court date. So our petition for a court date was withdrawn and we will ask for a court date in 3 months. Then we will wait for the other steps that have even longer waits. Our fingerprints are due in March and our I600A expires in October...I am sure we will still be waiting for something.

I am on call tonight and all I want to do is alternate between crying and hitting a wall. It is hard enough to work 24 hours with a floor full of pregnant women but to do it after receiving this news and have no time at all to collect yourself and rebound is an entirely different kind of misery that very few people have the bad fortune to experience.

I am very lucky to have the life I have and I know that and tell myself that frequently...particularly when I have had such a horrible day...but I have to keep asking myself why I open myself up to this misery. Why would I willingly open myself and my family up to this repetitive disappointment and pain? Wouldn't it be easier to call my family complete and never open up another email from anyone or anything adoption related?

2 comments:

Julie and John Wright said...

I know the day you are having... this is the day you lock the doors, rip the phone out of the wall, turn off the cell phones and computer and go to bed crying... And when you wake up in the morning, people are patiently sitting on your steps out side your door... waiting for help ! sometimes it just never ends... you ask why ? but better yet " Why ask why" none of it makes sence... but some how some where the streangth comes to pick yourself up , brush yourself off , and get on with it... because there are Children who are relying on you not to give up !
You have said that you thank God that He opened your heart... That in my books makes this all his responsibility !... Keep strong.. keep your eye on the prize.... we will be praying for you...
Blessings John

Shannon said...

Oh,hon - I am so sorry to hear this! What an unbelievable and absurd "rule". I wonder who pulled that out of what bodily orifice?! Hang in there - I DO believe you are inteded to adopt more children and I DO believe you are inteded to adopt all three of the children you are waiting for. Hugs to you.

Karyn Purvis Insights and Gifts - sharing power