Thursday, March 22, 2012

Jealous and petty

today I am jealous. I am not really happy for 7 families that I should be ecstatic for. I could lie about it, but I am human and I am jealous.
There have been some things that happened in the last 2 weeks that have made it impossible for us to continue with our plans to adopt Aaron. At least with the organization we have been affiliated with and likely at all.
I am sad for an 8 year old boy...who by all accounts is gentle and sweet, who will have to wait for a family....if he gets one at all. I am sad for my babies at home who have been excitedly looking forward to a new brother for the last 3 years. I am sad for Zebby who was especially excited to have a big brother from Kyrgyzstan. I am sad for a dad who was developing a webelo catch up strategy to maximize belt loops...haha. I am sad for the mom who was looking forward to complaining about dad spending too much time in the stable working on pinewood derby cars next year.
I hit target today in Decatur and there were some ridiculously cute hoodies and cargo shorts for a little boy Aarons size.
Yes, I know that Zeb will be that size soon.....probably very soon!
I am just 500 miles from home processing loss.
I know that I will be happy for the families tomorrow and ashamed of my petty, jealous post tonight.....but it hurts to get involved in this process and let a little child into your heart and your plans for the future and then realize that this child will be staying in an orphanage because of some stupid logistical crap....to realize that the seat in your bus that u thought was going to be occupied is going to sit vacant. It hurts to realize that an 8 year old boy might still have a 3 year old picture of your family and be hoping and waiting for you to show up.
All I can do is try to be happy for the other families while I trust in God to lead us.
Our completed dossier is still sitting in our armoir, our eyes are open and our hearts are still listening. I just have to trust that this adventure will turn out the way God intends if we do all we can within our power and within the realm of our conscience.

3 comments:

Shannon said...

I hear you, Michelle. I am jealous and I am sad, too. I am embarrased to admit it and I am scared to talk about the fact that it might be over for us. It is simply not fair. Grieving with you. ((((Hugs))))

Alicia said...

Okay, here goes...I am mom to 9 adopted kiddos ages 4,4,5,6,7,10,10,18,18 with PA for another and finishing up the homestudy update. If you want, I will keep your kiddos while you travel. NO, I am not crazy, I just understand how you must feel. I can't promise they will take a bath every single day or they will eat their vegetables but I promise they would play alot, be fed well, watch some tv (sorry about that one) make lifelong friends with my kiddos and be in a loving, safe home with a mommy and a daddy who will care for them while you are gone. We are in Alabama, email if you need us. Alicia

Michelle said...

Wow..Alicia..thank you for the offer! We have had a couple of super amazing offers like that. You are a brave woman! I just saw and moderated this comment..so I am sorry I haven't thanked you before!

Karyn Purvis Insights and Gifts - sharing power