I have basically been away from home for the lat 3 weeks. I have spent a lot of time studying, but I have also spent time just....alone. I do like some alone time, but I have missed my little guys a lot! I am so lucky to have so many kids. I recently told someone that each of my kids...all kids are blessings and wow do I mean it. So by most standards we are VERY blessed!
However, I am having a remarkably hard time letting go of Aaron's adoption. To all those who are counting....this is the third time our attempts to adopt him have stalled out....failed one might say! How do I really feel about it? Guilty, sad, a sense of emptiness and jealous.
Why do I feel guilty? Strangely, I don't feel guilty for the obvious reason. We willingly stopped a's adoption process because we simply can't work with CWA and we can't travel to Kyrgyzstan for an entire month. Practically,a Kyrgyzstan adoption is not possible for my family. We have never met him. We know people who have met him and we have heard all about him. We have glimpsed bits and pieces from his life for the last 4 years. Our first pictures were from when he just turned 5 years old and next week he will be 9. So the obvious reason to feel guilty would be that I felt like we were abandoning him. However, I don't feel that way. A wise woman once told me...you are out to build a family not save children. As unpopular as it might be for me to say this....a referred child is not your child until they are home arguing with you about going to bed! So I pray for A, and I thought he would make it home to us...but that is not going to happen. So why guilty? Maybe because if we had room for A don't we have room for someone else? Or how about if we had the money to pursue A's adoption we should have the money to make a difference in another child's (or children's) life.
As a mom who has lived in the world of international adoption for the last 6 years and who now had no adoption I started trying to find some sort of orphan care thing I could focus on. Maybe I could find a project or an organization to help. What I discovered is something I already knew....dude there are millions of kids who need families. Being half involved in an adoption had kind of sidelined me from the big sad picture. I am sad because now that we are not adopting, I have become reacquainted with one of the reasons I am so moved to adopt!
I am a smidge jealous of the families that had the unwavering dedication to battle the Kyrgyzstan adoption monster! Of course, I am also overjoyed that these little kids, who should have been home years ago, are now feeling the love of a real family for the first time! It stings a little cuz I thought I would get to be a new mom again!
I don't feel empty really, my life is super full and ridiculously blessed with abundance I have done nothing to deserve. My life, for as long as I can remember has been a little bit crazy. I think I fill it up, I purposefully keep it hopping so I don't have down time and I avoid relaxing like it gives me hives. I have been covered up by projects and adoptions and jobs and moving ...hurricanes..whatever almost constantly since I started medical school and probably before then. I might be a crazy maker and the next couple of years is going to be an opportunity to embrace my inner empty crazy maker vault. I am going to do my very best to work on one project for the next year....me. I am going to decrazify my life and work on being a better mom to my super awesome blessings, a better wife to my husband (who treats me like a princess), a better teacher to Lily and all the kids, and a healthier role model in a lot of other ways.
We have room on the bus and in our family for more kids. I am convicted that I am the project I am supposed to be working on right now and it is more than a little hard for me to slow down and stop all the hustle and bustle.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Posted by Michelle at 12:30 AM