The last month and a half has been totally crazy. I took some extra jobs...locum tenens jobs during my vacation weeks to pay for a new roof, pay off some bills and generally give us a little spending money for getting some things done around the house. I am out of town right now. I have basically spent 4 of the last 6 weeks away from my family in the name of earning some extra money....and it sucks to be away and I am grateful to have the option and opportunity to do it. Pay day rocks and it is gone so fast!
Leaving on Monday totally sucked. Violet was standing at the window playing with a ring, waving and smiling and laughing at me and then I got in the car and started to pull away and she had thrown down the toy and started crying and banging the window with both hands in a end of the world my heart is breaking kind of way. I cried for three blocks....SUCK! I have no vacation left for me to you know, take a vacation. In fact, I was out of vacation for this week so I drive back Thursday night and will work the night shift (3 pm to 7 am) on fri, sat and sun then back to work mon ant 11 am to be second call.
I left this week on Monday morning around 10 am, but instead of enjoying my kids before I left, I had to put away two weeks of clean laundry and vacuum the upstairs.
So, I have committed to working a week in august, and I have a conference in august and one in October. I am not planning anymore leaving of my family for at least a year and I am going to find someone to help around the house so I never again feel driven by my performance based perfectionism to prioritize dealing with the dirty house over hanging with my home fries.
Unfortunately, I can not stew in a messy house...yes it may reflect some sort of emotional or mental deficiency, but I seriously can't function like a whole person if there is clutter all around me. I wish I could be one of those moms who posts all those catchy postery looking things on facebook about luxuriating in their clutter because they are emotionally stable enough to ignore it and focus on all those things that I know, intellectually, are more important than sweeping 3 days of frosted flakes up from under the table. That being said ( in a horrendous run on sentence no less), I will literally melt down in the face of a small amount of stress when my house is messy. When I say small, it is relative! 7 kids and a job with the highest suicide and substance abuse rates of all physicians...there is stress.
So..... To recap:
Working during vacation sucks
Extra money rocks
Leaving kids to work sucks
Keeping my house clean instead of spending time with the kiddos sucks
My pathologic need for clutter free living sucks
I am in desperate need of someone to clean my house
That about covers it....
Oh yeah..I am off for the fourth of July and can't wait....it will be my one vacation day for the summer!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Posted by Michelle at 6:10 PM
Monday, June 25, 2012
I don't have cable tv so I don't really watch a lot of tv. In the last month I have spent a lot of time in hotels so I have been lucky(?) enough to watch a couple of episodes of the Gene Simmons family jewels show. In this season, his wife wants to adopt and he and their grown children are dead set against it.
It is interesting to see her working to convince them. I think it is a common scenario that the wife feels called to adopt and the husband is hesitant to downright opposed. It has been described in a lot of adoption publications as due to the husband worrying about finances...supporting another child affording the adoption etc. This explanation can't possibly explain gene Simmons hesitation.
Why are the adult children against it? I can't figure it out except that they are self centered and just don't want to share their parents. I truly can't understand what is going on there!
I guess what I am trying to say is the "reluctant" parent is not always just a function of financial worry like I have previously assumed. I have a hard time figuring out why all families wouldn't want as many kids as we have! They just don't know what they are missing! Or is it that I am in a sleep deprive delirium!
Posted by Michelle at 7:25 PM
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I have basically been away from home for the lat 3 weeks. I have spent a lot of time studying, but I have also spent time just....alone. I do like some alone time, but I have missed my little guys a lot! I am so lucky to have so many kids. I recently told someone that each of my kids...all kids are blessings and wow do I mean it. So by most standards we are VERY blessed!
However, I am having a remarkably hard time letting go of Aaron's adoption. To all those who are counting....this is the third time our attempts to adopt him have stalled out....failed one might say! How do I really feel about it? Guilty, sad, a sense of emptiness and jealous.
Why do I feel guilty? Strangely, I don't feel guilty for the obvious reason. We willingly stopped a's adoption process because we simply can't work with CWA and we can't travel to Kyrgyzstan for an entire month. Practically,a Kyrgyzstan adoption is not possible for my family. We have never met him. We know people who have met him and we have heard all about him. We have glimpsed bits and pieces from his life for the last 4 years. Our first pictures were from when he just turned 5 years old and next week he will be 9. So the obvious reason to feel guilty would be that I felt like we were abandoning him. However, I don't feel that way. A wise woman once told me...you are out to build a family not save children. As unpopular as it might be for me to say this....a referred child is not your child until they are home arguing with you about going to bed! So I pray for A, and I thought he would make it home to us...but that is not going to happen. So why guilty? Maybe because if we had room for A don't we have room for someone else? Or how about if we had the money to pursue A's adoption we should have the money to make a difference in another child's (or children's) life.
As a mom who has lived in the world of international adoption for the last 6 years and who now had no adoption I started trying to find some sort of orphan care thing I could focus on. Maybe I could find a project or an organization to help. What I discovered is something I already knew....dude there are millions of kids who need families. Being half involved in an adoption had kind of sidelined me from the big sad picture. I am sad because now that we are not adopting, I have become reacquainted with one of the reasons I am so moved to adopt!
I am a smidge jealous of the families that had the unwavering dedication to battle the Kyrgyzstan adoption monster! Of course, I am also overjoyed that these little kids, who should have been home years ago, are now feeling the love of a real family for the first time! It stings a little cuz I thought I would get to be a new mom again!
I don't feel empty really, my life is super full and ridiculously blessed with abundance I have done nothing to deserve. My life, for as long as I can remember has been a little bit crazy. I think I fill it up, I purposefully keep it hopping so I don't have down time and I avoid relaxing like it gives me hives. I have been covered up by projects and adoptions and jobs and moving ...hurricanes..whatever almost constantly since I started medical school and probably before then. I might be a crazy maker and the next couple of years is going to be an opportunity to embrace my inner empty crazy maker vault. I am going to do my very best to work on one project for the next year....me. I am going to decrazify my life and work on being a better mom to my super awesome blessings, a better wife to my husband (who treats me like a princess), a better teacher to Lily and all the kids, and a healthier role model in a lot of other ways.
We have room on the bus and in our family for more kids. I am convicted that I am the project I am supposed to be working on right now and it is more than a little hard for me to slow down and stop all the hustle and bustle.
Posted by Michelle at 12:30 AM
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Years ago I was working in an ICU and we had a patient that was older...not 80's but not 40's. He was on a ventilator befor I started, so for all intents and purposes, I had never met him. He kept getting sicker and sicker. It became time to find family. He had never had any visitors, his ex-wife and children wanted nothing to do with hi...he had been a mean, alcoholic, mean guy....did I mention mean?
We finally found a great aunt who came in to talk about withdrawing care. She hadn't seen him in many, many years....since he was a child. She told me he had been such a sweet little boy. She remembered him as being so sensitive and always trying to take care of his little brother. When she came to visit he just wanted to sit on her lap and get as many hugs as possible before she left. She eventually quit going to visit because his dad was a mean alcoholic.
We withdrew care and I cried off and on all night for the sweet, sensitive little boy that never got to grow up. Of course all the ICU nurses thought I was a freak. I just kept thinking about a sweet little boy getting the sweet knocked out of him until he became his mean alcoholic dad.
It breaks my heart to know how many kids are getting the sweet beaten out of them by abuse, abandonment, institutional living, starvation. Babies all start out sweet and in need of love, acceptance, affirmation, security. sometimes it is so unfair the hand they are dealt.
Seriously, Human trafficking, child prostitution, child soldiers, child slavery, child-headed households? It makes me sick....orphans who could have loving homes but UNICEF and corrupt foreign governments have some selfish, misinformed agenda that does not factor in the child sitting in the orphanage hoping for a mom whose lap THEY can sit on and get endless hugs.
Every once in a while I am reminded of how fragile childhood sweetness is and I am broken by knowing there are so many kids who have no one to fight for their sweetness.
If you would pray for A in Kyrgyzstan and that his little heart and sweetness is protected, I would appreciate it...I pray for that everyday.
Posted by Michelle at 4:45 PM